The Vagiant

Hello! I’ve been quiet for 9 weeks since the second Womb Raider made his appearance. During these 9 weeks I have had absolutely zero time to myself, let alone time to write an update….but here I am. What a ride!

I mentioned in my first pregnancy the freakish and unwelcome new form my v-jay-jay took on in the final stages. The swollen, veiny and hideous creature that I did not like hiding out in my pants. We were not friends. Well, this time was no different, the Vagiant was back. And it was angrier than ever.

The Husband was the one to point out the return of the Vagiant when I was clumsily stepping out of a warm bath one evening during the third trimester. “Wow” he remarked. “That’s one HUGE vagina”. Jesus Christ. Give me a freaking break already, did he really have to say that? How would he feel if I had said “Wow. That’s one sad looking droopy dick” if he stepped out of a warm bath. C’mon. I had a massive baby head pushing down against my gateway to life, so things are going to be a little distorted. I was hurt.

Later that evening we started reminiscing about the birth of our first little Womb Raider, and some extra information came to light. Things I’d never known or remembered about the experience, and things The Husband had never told me until now. He told me that when the Womb Raider was close to coming out, my Vagiant started to open up in anticipation, and in his words looked like ” A giant gaping cave”. I am serious. Who the hell says that to their wife?! I couldn’t make this shit up if I tried, I was horrified.

So now I had a huge complex about my unsightly Vagiant, and some serious apprehension about doing it all again. But I had to.

It goes without saying that after the 5 weeks of coughing my guts out leading up to the birth, I had not much left in the tank. But we were happy to be in the capable hands of a very skilled and experienced midwife this time around, and not a change of seeing the bitch from hell we had last time (although we did keep bumping into her in the lifts during every appointment). Let’s call her Jackie. She was an angel.

2 days before my due date I was offered a sweep. It’s a kind of gross procedure where the midwife sticks her hand up your Vagiant and tickles the membranes of your amniotic sac and tried to make the baby eject itself a bit quicker. Well it worked. That night labour started and I was reminded of the agonising pain I was going to endure when the first light contractions started.

And that I will save for another post. You’ll need a good feed and several litres of water as it will be a long one….


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