Every two years for the past four years, I have found myself suddenly and unexpectedly pregnant. Ok, so that last bit is a lie. But perhaps the suddenly bit is kind of accurate.
I have discovered the existence of both of my womb raiders existence on New Years Eve – meaning The Festive Season has been rather productive at least twice. And I have some extremely fertile slash genius slash cocktail-ruining slash lady egg laying thing going on during December.
It’s well known that Christmas is a time for giving. And nobody takes that more literally than The Husband. His gift wrapping might not be all that fantastic, but he knows how to jingle his bells, if you are catching my drift. Too much? Wiggle his candy cane? Trim my tree? Ride my sleigh? Get up under my mistletoe?…. I’ll stop.
Now that the second Womb Raider is 1 and we are onto the second year since the last time I was pregnant, I am scared. Really fucking scared. This year I can vouch for the fact that Mrs Claus has shut up shop. The kitchen is closed. The ship has sailed. Etc. There will be no more baby Birks joining the clan.
This means I need to remain vigilant around this festive period. I need to keep my guard up, so as to protect my womb from any future raiders. It should be fine. After all, it has been a hectic year and my energy is lacking somewhat compared to years gone by. In fact, I would say nothing could be more of a miracle since the young Virgin Mary giving birth to baby Jesus than me finding myself up the duff again.
If you are in a similar position, and find yourself suddenly and unexpectedly pregnant every couple of years and wish to curb the flow of small humans populating your house, I suggest you follow my tips below.
1. Eat a lot. I’m talking obscene amounts of food, preferably containing a shit load of garlic. This will make you so tired you can’t move, but don’t let that lull you into a false sense of security. A randy husband won’t take that lying down (har har) and you will need the double whammy of being stinky as well as comatose to truly fend him off.
2. Avoid all eye contact or anything that can be misinterpreted as an invitation. Definitely don’t decorate the Christmas tree together. All that reaching for balls can become very complicated. It just sends mixed signals. Trust me.
3. Avoid alcohol. This one is tricky, but shit starts to get real when you begin free pouring the cocktails. I fancy myself as a bit of an athlete when it comes to imbibing the devil’s brew, but really I’m a bit of a one glass wonder. My guard drops faster than you can say cock sucking cowboy.
4. Pretend to be really happy to see the long lost Aunt, Uncle, random neighbour or other Christmas guest you never see or don’t even know. Preferably the one you don’t even know. Because then you can give convincing eye rolls in your Husband/Boyfriend/Partner’s direction to prove you are simply unable to get away from the riveting discussion. Nod a lot. And be sure to drag out the long, intense conversation that’s hard for an outsider to penetrate. But don’t say penetrate. Because that can send mixed signals.
5. Get your husband, partner, boyfriend a really shit present with absolutely no thought process behind it. Like a gift voucher for something crap bought on Christmas morning. Highlight the date. Then pretend that was to remind them to redeem it before it expired, not bring attention to the fact that you bought it on your iPhone on December 25th. You don’t want them to think you hate them, but you want them to be totally disappointed and wanting to get away from the gift pile to mist up in private. Let them grieve. Go full Jon Snow and pretend to know nothing.
6. Surround yourself with Christmas housework. There is nothing more unsexy than a woman who is laden with dirty kids clothes, guest towels and old sheets. Or one who is up to her arm pits in filthy plates from hosting family and friends. Perhaps you could try leaving the prawn heads in the kitchen bin for a couple of days before taking them outside, making sure you waft that rotten prawn scent in his direction as you carry the bag outside. If you can go bra-less while performing any of these functions that will also help. Just keep your knickers on. Otherwise you could send really, really, REALLY bad mixed signals.
7. Bring in the cock-blockers. AKA The Kids. This one is easy and will probably be a self-fulfilling prophecy, because those little fuckers will find a way to cry, open the door, cry, need food, cry, shit themselves or cry whenever you may-or-may-not be having a “special cuddle”. Instant Mr Floppy. So when things get desperate and you see The Husband/Boyfriend/Partner giving you the sly face, you will need to roll out the big guns. If you’ve got no unexpected guests to knock on the door or some well meaning Jehovah’s Witnesses trying to stop you from wasting your time on Christmas, get the kids to hang around a bit more often. Break out a game of Lego or some hide-and-seek or even some painting activities. Make sure it’s something really time-consuming and of high value to the kids so they will want to go the distance.
I’m fairly confident if you follow these tips you’ll have a pregnancy free Christmas, and it will at least get you past New Years where you can drink away the stresses of the year raising kids and give you a window to reflect on your life. Then, and only then, can you really decide if you want to go another round.
Me? I’ll be sitting this one out thanks.