Let’s talk about Poo Number 2.

Now that I have gotten my head around this blogging thing I’ve been fascinated with what has struck a chord with my readers. It seems the most popular topics are poo, my dubious parenting skills and the horror of birth. I guess it’s like a car crash, you just can’t help but take a look. Perhaps you are making yourself feel better about your position as a parent by reading about my unfortunate run-ins with excrement, household accidents, vomit and less than friendly hospital staff.

Whatever the case, I’d like to present to you another post dedicated to poo in all it’s brown and smelly glory. Times have changed since the last one. No longer am I dealing with mustard coloured rivers of shit and tidal waves of turd, I have fully delved into the world of proper solid-meal poo which brings it’s own set of hurdles.
For instance this mornings treat. The Womb Raider usually wakes between 7.30-8am (don’t hate me) with a chorus of chats which is undeniably cute. The Husband and I let her sing, coo and babble for a bit and then go in there to start the day. This particular day started a little differently in the aroma department. I knew something wasn’t right as soon as I opened the nursery door as I was hit with a stench so foul it made my nose hairs curl.
I picked her up and the situation turned desperate. My hand had unfortunately made contact with a wet and brown stain on the outside of her sleeping bag and I knew then that things were going downhill fast.
Once the sleeping bag was unzipped I was faced with a natural disaster. Poo had come out of both sides of the nappy, up the back of the nappy and had soaked through two layers of clothing and the sleeping bag. And this is all before I have even opened it up.
I guess I could liken this one to the famous Poonami, but now solids are involved its a whole new ball game. When you are talking chunks it’s a lot harder to clean, and it’s also more gag-worthy with
the smell factor too.

I’m going to make a new list now for the parents of toddlers, as these shits deserve their own category.

The Same Same but Different Poo

This one happens when your kid is addicted to Edamame. You know, those little green soybeans that are boiled up with salt at Japanese restaurants. Kids love em. A word of advice is they don’t chew them before swallowing…they come out exactly as they went in. Same goes for sultanas, only these come back out looking like grapes. You have been warned…

The McShit.

A poo good enough to eat. Well, for your child anyway. Happens when you empty the potty and they are not finished! A few McShit nuggets drop to the floor and are gobbled up before you can scream.
“I’m Lovin it?” Not really.

The Back, Sack and Crack.

This could be the most evil of all the toddler poos because it takes no prisoners. It’s a poo that snakes it’s way up your babies back, covers the sack (if you have a boy) and weaves it’s way into the crack, both front and back if you have a girl. It’s a sensational mess that will take at least half a box of baby wipes and is not recommended for those who have a hangover. You’ll most likely have to take a bath after dealing with a Back, Sack & Crack. Oh, and the baby will need one too. Messy.

The Dentist.

This is for the parents of teething babies. You will know when it’s hit as it will come on all-of-a-sudden and resemble greenish, yellow, snotty slime and smell like poison. I’d say it’s breathtaking, but for entirely the wrong reasons. If you have one of those white masks handy or at the very least an old tea towel, I recommend you go into battle prepared. The wee will smell equally disgusting.

The Mixed Grill

If you have started to tackle potty training you get to see the whole offering from your little cherubs rectum all in one go. It won’t be smashed into a nappy, but will be arranged artfully in the base of your childs potty. You will look at it regardless of if you want to or not. It’s just what parents do. And when you see it you may be surprised to see that it is many different colours, textures and shapes. If your baby ate corn 5 meals ago you will see that at one end, and perhaps a sultana snack eaten for afternoon tea at the other end. If your toddler is on the adventurous side you may find parts of toys, old receipts, glitter, or bits of crayons. No two mixed grills are ever the same, this one is quite exotic.

The Shitzicle

Depending on your young ones bowel habits you may find that they have been a bit blocked up, and spend some time evacuating whilst catching up on Hairy Maclary or The Gruffalo. Potty’s being made for small people and tiny little bums are understandably quite compact. If you add in a couple of days of 3 meals plus snacks, you will probably get a Shitzicle. This is a mountain of poo that ends up forming a little peak and connecting with your little ones bum. You might need a Sherpa to help you tackle a Shitzicle, especially if you need to clean up and let them go for round two. Epic.

This past week has been particularly challenging for The Husband and I as we’ve been dealing with explosive diarrhoea caused potentially by a switch in Toddler Milk. A parenting fail that has had catastrophic consequences. The Womb Raider has been a champion throughout the ordeal, but the scars for me will take a while to heal. As will the mental image of this nappy pictured below.
We use Modern Cloth Nappies which requires a full explanation in a separate post, but to put it simply they are reusable nappies which we wash once they are soiled. For 99% of the time it’s super easy, environmentally friendly and cool, but for the other 1% I question my decision.
You will see why in a moment.

BE WARNED. GROSS IMAGE OF POO BELOW.

Please let me know if you think there is something that needs to be added to the list above. I know this Poo journey is not over yet, but why don’t you help me prepare other parents by categorising your child’s worst dump. C’mon! A problem shared is a problem halved right?

I WARNED YOU……………………………………………………………………………………..

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THIS IS REALLY BAD

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OK YOU ASKED FOR IT……………………………………………………………………………………..

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YOU SICK INDIVIDUAL!!!!!

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2 Comments Add yours

  1. Dimi says:

    One too many edamame beans;)

  2. Ruth says:

    Beetroot soup poo – or blueberry poo.

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