Shit. Poop. Crap. Turd. Number 2. The corn-eyed buttsnake. I never thought I would become so fascinated with poo – until the Womb Raider came along. Before her birth, I was like most people and avoided it wherever possible. Of course, I have to go like everyone else and I pick up after my dogs’ daily dump, but for the most part poo and I didn’t have to hang out too often. But pretty much from day one of the Raider’s life, I developed a passionate interest in my daughter’s excrement. Not Two Girls, One Cup interested….just, you know, curious.
In a breast feeding information session before the Raider’s birth, I was given a chart with pictures describing what the appearance and frequency of her butt nuggets would be. I laughed at the time, but this chart would serve as a very useful resource when making sure everything was ok in those early days. Firstly, in hospital after the birth you are asked to jot down on a chart the first bowel movement of your new baby. Its called meconium and resembles black sticky tar and for most new parents this is the first of many milestones and is greeted with wonderment and excitement. Over the course of the first day of her life, The Womb Raider served up many of these meconium poos, and I was regularly drawn back to the chart to see what the next installment would be. Day two was soft green-black poo and she delivered it right on schedule. Day three was greenish-brown and less sticky, I felt by now like I was playing some kind of sick game of bog bingo, ticking off the poos and grimly comparing them to the pictures on the chart. “Is this the first sign of a competitive mother?” I wondered. Day four held the promise of a mustard yellow passing that may or may not contain seedy bits, just like real mustard! This was getting pretty exciting! Sure enough I was rewarded with my mustard poo and then onwards from there things began increasing in volume and frequency.
A few months in and I think I’ve experienced almost every kind of Poo that a baby can deliver. I’ll list a few of them in no particular order.
1. The Poonami. This one really needs no explanation. Like the name suggests, this is a tidal wave of turd that rises from the tiny bum of your baby and then rushes out with force, flattening anything in its path. Very few nappies are strong enough to contain one, and you’d want to make damn sure you know where the exits are when one of these arrives. A Poonami may surge not only out of the sides of the nappy, but also the back and the front, making its way up your baby’s back and tummy and sometimes even pouring out the arm holes of their onesie. When cleaning up a Poonami you will need a endless supply of wipes and a really good sense of humour. It’s not really what you expect to find in the nappy of such an innocent looking creature, but more like what you might find in the pants of an elderly alcoholic bogan.
2. The Shart. Half shit and half fart. Simple really. Doesn’t always require too much attention, especially if on inspection of the shart you find out it’s just a little skid mark. Chin up and carry on.
3. The Ninja Poo. You hear the squelching fart sounds and you fear a Poonami. It’s wet and horrid and you bolt to the change table before it can explode out the sides of the nappy. You open it up and there is nothing there at all, it’s completely clean and you wonder if you heard anything at all.
4. The Slimer. This one looks like that fake booger that you can get in a container, only brown, very gooey and hard to clean up. I think this is how Psychomagnotheric Slime from the movie Ghostbusters was invented. The consistency of The Slimer could mean you probably won’t hear this one on its way out. It will sneakily drool out of your little one’s bum and pour into the nappy, ready to amaze you.
5. Poo Verde. This is the colour of radioactive spinach with grainy bits and it’s very, very, very green. Sometimes it can shoot out at you in an unwelcome frothy stream. Much to my dismay, I was advised the only way to prevent this nasty one occurring, is to stop eating chocolate. I’ll think I’ll take my chances.
6. The Christmas Poo. Technically, this is the Boxing Day Poo, but since I am sure it’s the product of Christmas festivities, the name can stay. This is how it happened: I ran out of expressed breast milk (EBM) on Christmas day and The Womb Raider got fed a couple of bottles of formula – while I hit the wines. At around about 9am, the Raider filled her pants with what looked like lava-like crunchy peanut butter. It was a bounty to behold! The sheer quantity was quite breathtaking and almost worthy of a photo……almost. Let’s hope this one only comes but once a year.
7. The Thai-Takeaway Poo. If you are breastfeeding your baby, then you already know that they eat what you eat. What comes out after chowing down on a Choo Chee Prawns with extra spice is a puddle of poop that smells a lot like jungle curry. You might find yourself a bit grossed out that it actually smells better than what you originally ordered.
8. The WTF-is-that-on-Your-Pants Poo. This is a silent assassin and you won’t be able to prepare for it. So don’t even try. I discovered it one morning when The Husband was bouncing the Womb Raider on his knee. I asked “WTF is that on your pants?”, fearing it was vomit from one of our two Jack Russells. We quickly worked out it was an unusual new deposit from our baby. This one looked like canned pumpkin soup with a few chunks and was already making its way down the Womb Raider’s leg, across The Husband’s pyjama pants and towards the bedsheets. Mysteriously the nappy was almost empty.
My forays into the world of poo have taught me that babies are clever little creatures. They know how to time their most horrendous surprises for maximum impact. A Poonami at the doctor’s office when you don’t have a spare change of clothes. A Poo Verde on the new, white organic cotton outfit. A Ninja Poo in the middle of the night that leaves you wondering if you’re losing your mind. I could go on, but I’ve just heard a sound that could mean another addition to the list.
What’s in store for me next? Surely your bundle of joy has surprised you with a Poo that you’d like to share… if you know what I mean.